Romantic, but hardly the solution to the problem of unemployment; or is it?
What’s common about all these ‘good old day’ memories is that a family lived in the house beside the lock, or the signal box, or in the lighthouse or gate house. There was a job to be done and people had to live there to get it done. Surely this is the ultimate answer to both joblessness and homelessness. Whoopee, I hear you shout; find a job that comes with a house and everyone gets somewhere to live and gets back to work in the process.
But wait a second, we don’t have enough locks, or lighthouses or signal boxes. Pity; if only we had something else to work and live beside. Nothing springs to mind; there’s nothing widespread in Ireland that needs looking after anymore – sigh!
Hang on, what about our national treasure? What about that most common of things that’s popping up all over the country; surely that needs looking after?
No I’m not talking about empty cycle lanes. I’m talking about the pothole; the contagious thing that’s popping up here there and everywhere, the per-annual problem that seems completely impervious to repair. There’s at least a hundred of them within walking distance of every house in the country; and the towns and cities are getting their fair share of them too.
Why not get people back to work by creating an army of Pothole Keepers? We could give people a housing allowance and a stipend to look after the potholes outside their door. In return they’d have to undertake to maintain the potholes in all their glory. They’d be expected to throw a few scoops of sand and loose pebbles in the hole from time to time; nothing permanent now, just a patch-up job for appearances sake. If they do their jobs properly, the potholes under their care would grow and may even join together into chasms. The successful pothole keeper could crown his achievement by spraying yellow paint around the edge of his hole, or strategically place a filthy dirty traffic cone in the middle of it.
Enterprising pothole keepers could be encouraged to take the initiative to start new potholes in any way they wish. They could use a pick and shovel, or even dynamite to begin a new hole. They would get paid for this of course, at the rate of €100 per hole. They’d get a double payment if they manage to start two holes exactly opposite each other on either side of a narrow road; a special bonus if they successfully do this on a blind bend. These, along with the deep ones with the sharp edges, and the ones that catch you by surprise, are the most prized ones.
Of course, there’d have to be a National Pot Hole competition; with prizes for the biggest, the deepest, the one in the most dangerous place, and so on. Then there’d be the ultimate accolade – County Pothole Keeper of the Year, which would come with an honorary seat on the County Council.
Of course the final objective is to turn all our highways and byways into one gigantic pothole. If we plan this right then we’ll have smooth roads again in no time. They’d be about 6 inches lower than the old ones used to be; but who cares, we’d all be working.
While we’re at it we could also have Uneven Pavement Keepers; they’d be in great demand in the towns and cities.
Wouldn’t it be great, we’d be back to full employment; and we’d be saving the County Councils a fortune by doing their job of road destruction for them. But that’s not the only benefit: We’d have something to moan about which would keep our negative psyche in good shape; we’d have another success in our strategy to destroy our domestic and export economy; we’d stop people travelling around the country in private cars too, since anything smaller than a bus would soon disappear in a hole somewhere along the journey; and we’d have yet another reason for tourists not to come to and visit us.
Finally, the Government could introduce a pothole tax; everybody in the country could pay whatever’s left of their income to keep us in an economic hole forever.
So hooray for the humble pothole; the ultimate Irish solution to the ultimate Irish problem.
Copyright © David Jones, 2009
David's new book The Pothole Republic is published by The Author's Friend. It can be purchased online at www.ThePotholeRepublic.com for €9.99 plus Postage.
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It's fine with me when they collect larger amount of taxes; as long as the government can provide more stable jobs with high cost of salary to people like me. I want to help.
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Thank You and Good Luck!